“ Another one of Sacagawea’s favorites is “Suffragette City.” I can only guess that she likes it because the “oooohs” and “wham bams” in the chorus remind her of her own language. However, I checked the lyrics on the Internet and discovered that the song was written by a lady named David Bowie, who isn’t even a little bit Indian.
October 27, 2009
“ Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to f—-ing love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
October 26, 2009
“ This was the Wal-Mart that was supposed to save our lives. When I was growing up in the nearby farm town, everyone excitedly welcomed the first incarnation of this Wal-Mart to Plano. It would provide jobs, cheap shampoo, and a little sophistication to our otherwise dull and boring lives. It flourished, so they opened yet a larger “Super” Wal-Mart across the street. Now there is a 5 million square foot, never have to leave, cancer sitting atop some of the finest farm land in the world. But the sacrifice is worth it…. now you can buy everything you need, and didn’t need, all in one place. Now, the owners of all the neighboring grocery stores, pharmacies, craft stores, and auto parts stores have much more free time (since Wally World is doing their work for them). So thanks Sam, for coming to my town and sucking out its soul.
October 25, 2009
2 weeks ago • 178 notesDear Chase,
I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike. I would love to meet you someday. It would be great to have a catch. I know I can’t throw as fast as you, but I think you would be impressed by my speed. I love you hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about. And more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. And I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I’m sure our relationship would be a real home run.
Mac
“ (Note: bricks are heavy, and brick ovens generate a lot of heat. Please use proper precautions to ensure that you don’t burn or crush yourself while making or using your oven.)
October 23, 2009
The opposite of a mosquito is spooning: mosquitoes are awful, whereas spooning is super. The one thing I haven’t really figured out is where the person in the back is supposed to put that bottom arm.
I tend towards the “arm straight up over your head” technique.
Always over the head. It’s simple physics.
2 weeks ago • 14 notes